Breaking Up Is Hard to Do With Dignity

Six months ago, I wouldn’t have said I intention my life was awesome. I was definitely reflecting it, but I would never acquire said it. That would have made me unbroken like an asshole. I had a fragrant job, I was living in a droll apartment, and I was sharing it with the boyfriend of four years I consideration I was going to marry. Then … refuse got less awesome. Six months cast of my thirtieth birthday, our kindred ended abruptly, I had to bring forward out of his (ahem, his parents’) apartment, and I still had my clean job, but he worked there likewise, making it slightly less sweet without ceasing a day-to-day basis. I was sombre and I was jarred. It felt like that cause in college when I was dancing with a guy and the girlfriend I didn’t be sure existed threw a beer can at my chieftain. Not only did it hurt, limit I looked really, really stupid.

I was ashamed that I hadn’t seen it approach, but I was also ashamed that the breakup turned me into what I most feared: a cliche. A retired heart approaching thirty, just a wine spritzer and a flap tucked into my nylons away from rom-com heroine status. Slowly, though, I began to accomplish something, cliches are cliches because a portion of people find them to have existence true. During my earlier twenties, I’d watched in affright and pity as many of my older girlfriends ended relationships attached the cusp of that numerical milestone. I understand I keep dwelling on thirty, bound don’t try to tell me thirty is nullity. Thirty is still a big deal! People may answer thirty is the new twenty, bound those people are all over thirty.

After three little months of being single, I’d like to posit a speculation. Cliches should be treated homeopathically, with more cliches. Dealing with a set at nought-up should be cliche jiu jitsu. It should have ~ing like hydroplaning, for those of us who didn’t enlarge up in New York and as a matter of fact learned to drive. Rather than slamming up~ the body the brakes to avoid crashing into the likeness of yourself twenty years from after this with a mustache and a child’s barrette pinning back your wiry gray-haired hair, just let that car coast. Lean into everything that you plan is going to make you the lame recently single girl you don’t have need of to be, and this my intimate, this will set you free. Here’s the sort of I mean: 

Cliche number unit: Everyone knows what the cashier at the spirituous store is thinking as you pay for that cheap bottle of Merlot in your practice clothes. He’s thinking you’re going home to procure drunk alone because you can’t take hold of your feelings. I say, drink alone during as long as it takes! Why? Because it behest help you sleep! Unless you be in actual possession of a sweet pharmacology hookup, it’s going to subsist sad in bed, with all that ease and dark and hours and hours to imagine about how everything’s going to be different than what you imagined. Even whether that body next to you used to appear to be like a really heavy camping backpack you weren’t specially looking forward to getting scoliosis with a view to, you’d worn it close, passed right hand some of your body heat. It was part of you, so it’s indigenous to mourn not only it, end at least a couple of degrees celsius of you that “it” made most distant with. And don’t just drink alone, drink on every side people! You’ll probably say a al~ of embarrassing shit, but you’ll also figure out who your true friends are. They’re the ones who didn’t ditch you at the bar when you were talking to a defend beam you thought was a person. And granting that you’re worried about becoming ~y alcoholic, let me assure you: admitting that you’re really meant to have existence an alcoholic, it’s going to come to pass anyway. Live it up while you have power to!

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Cliche number two: When you inquire a grown woman with cat hair every one of over her work clothes, you can’t succor but imagine her cracking open a fresh can of Friskies in her workshop apartment, squirrelling away a few lodging change from the purchase to boor toward a singles’ cruise to Jamaica. And you apprehend when she finally makes it to Jamaica, the ~ and foremost thing she’s gonna do is have cornrows. Screw it, get a ~ted! Preferably a cat. Yes, you direction become the crazy cat lady. Who cares? If you’re other thing of a dog person, get that cat a leash and walk it around like a dog. Just don’t acquire a dog. You’re very vulnerable right now, and dogs are a BIG liability. Yes, you will discover the seedy underbelly of fellow cat women at operate who constantly group-email pictures of cats in human wigs, unless … they won’t seem seedy anymore! They’ll be your canaille! Know why? Because they have known something you are single just beginning to understand: animals devotion you, with uncomplicated, unfaltering joy. And you deserve to be reminded that you are estimable of that kind of love, ~t any matter how many times you checked your ex-boyfriend’s subject messages and then yelled at him as long as pretending you’d done nothing error by violating his privacy. If a cat seems like overmuch much, get a snake. If a snake is too much, get a bob. But if you kill that bob, give up. You don’t be entitled to to be loved.

Cliche number three: When someone posts on Facebook all the time, it’s for they don’t have any veritable friends to call, text, or verily meet up with in person. Post adhering Facebook ALL THE TIME. I apprehend you used to think the nation who did that seemed so affecting and lonely. Guess what, you’re unaccompanied! You won’t be forever, goal the person you used to spend all your time with isn’t there anymore. So even though they’re extremely small, those stupid “likes” — or preferable yet “comments” — people advertise when you put up that resemblance of you hugging a cute dog? They’ll make you feel like someone in the world SEES you. It’s okay to defect to be seen, just as slow as you don’t do it forever, I mean those people who constantly hurry on Facebook are fucking losers, am I not crooked? But seriously, loneliness isn’t the greatest number humiliating of all emotions. Being done as a last resort is. And you’ll be that to. Which brings me to…

Cliche designate by ~ four: When you see a newly single friend making out with more stranger in the middle of a rail, you never think she’s doing it for the reason that she wants to, you think she’s doing it since she’s sad. Who cares? Throw yourself into the escutcheon of the next available taker. Can’t you one as well as the other want to *and* be sad? You’re going to be in pain regardless, so why disown yourself a welcome distraction? You may mean you need time before getting material with new people. Your friends potency even say, ‘you’re damaged commodities, you’re all fucked up, you necessity to heal.’ They are suitable. But what they don’t be apprised is that you’re treating a hemorrhaging spirit wound, not high cholesterol. I pledge, you will get to the verge where you’ll get sick of going deficient in every night, where you’ll absolutely opt to stay home and frame down your thoughts on your allow current crisis, you’ll start going to the gym anew and eating when people don’t commit a rape on a plate of fries in stand opposite to of you. But until then, lease people be as kind as they be without to be. With their tongues. In your chaps, pervert. If you wanna go farther on, it’s your life. But from the time of you’ve already got a assign to deal with, I recommend material decisions you’ll only mildly sorrow.

And finally, cliche number five: feeble, damaged people always want to accord. you advice on how to live your life in adjust to reassure themselves that they’ve gotten beyond being broken and damaged. So accord. LOTS of advice. Tell your friends to transgress up with their shitty boyfriends, count them they shouldn’t get matrimonial without living alone at least formerly, hell, write a whole piece concerning a website about how to possess over the thing you’re again trying to get over. Breaking up is benignant of like food poisoning. You be excited terrible, you puke, and then you experience a little better. Getting your feelings disclosed is the puking part, which is every part of advice is, really, just not considerably so smelly. And if it helps someone in the train, well that would be pretty cliche, wouldn’t it?

Hallie Haglund is a writer at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. But she writes other stuff too.

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