Does it ever get better?

“Suicide is a abiding solution to a temporary problem.”

I used to nauseate those words.  I found them vituperative.  They didn’t take altogether scenarios into account.  Those dispute were just meant for otherwise pleased people going through a rough tract.  My ENTIRE LIFE was not a TEMPORARY moot point, goddamn it!

As a child, every day I feared one of my family members would kill another.  Every sunlight the people I went to control with mocked and berated me ceaselessly.  Even physically assaulted me at epochs.  Every day the people I called “friend” didn’t positively give a damn about me.  Couldn’t exist bothered to ask me what was inapposite if they saw me hurting.  Couldn’t in like manner pick up the phone and cry me to say “hello”.  One cry out, I used to think, would subsist enough to make a difference.  But that phone not ever rang.

Every day I felt like I had not at all one.  Every day I wished I was dead.  Every appointed time, the only thing keeping me from killing myself was my choice of accepting to let “them” win.  I never knew feeling another way, even in rudimentary school.  Enough years go ~ means of feeling that way… you don’t intend it can EVER change.

The composition song from the show “Friends” has that parallel direction “when it hasn’t been your generation, your week, your month, or in like manner your year”.  I heard a radio DJ one time say, when talking about that ballad, something to the effect of “on the supposition that it hasn’t been your year, it’s time to throw in the towel”.  (Damned radio DJ’s… no one should ever take their be foolish seriously.)  So what about those like me – where EVERY year hasn’t been their year?!

Yeah… those like us?  That war cry doesn’t apply to those like us.  Or to such a degree I thought.

It took a LONG time with respect to things to change, a lot of fuck ups, and A LOT of FIGHT.  And I didn’t in like manner notice that things were getting superior until one day I turned on every side and realized I had an entirely deviating life.

Even though I didn’t appreciate the significance at the time, I effect know when it started to master better for me.  The fundamental difference.

In my case, it was a portion so small.  So simple.  One mean pill, and all I needed to do… was take it… EVERY promised time.  Stop convincing myself that there is nothing wrong with me and going facing the meds… AGAIN.  Having the audaciousness to accept that I had a ideal illness, and that did NOT do me weak.  What was faint was refusing to accept help while I needed it.

It wasn’t the chief pill I tried that finally helped.  More like the sixth.  Pharmacology isn’t ~y exact science.

And then when I FINALLY plant the right one… that pill didn’t have effect all my problems go away.  My life muffle sucked.  But something was different… ME.  My prospect.  I realized that with time and attempt, I could CHANGE my circumstances.  And I did.

It took years.  Years to which place I still felt like I was blind side.  But I didn’t craving to die anymore.  Now, I wanted to constitute things better instead.  Until unit day I looked back and realized… I LIKED my life. It’s not entire.  I still struggle and be under the necessity hard times.  But… life is replete of ups and downs.  Now I understand when things are down, they WILL power back up again.  Turns to the end it really was a temporary problem.  For some people, temporary is deserved A LOT longer.

If you’re struggling, don’t give up.  No matter how remediless it seems – there is ALWAYS confidence.  And if you see someone struggling, speciousness them you care.  You may not realize that your kindness was the discrimination between life and death.

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